No more Deep Thoughts
Remember “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handy? It was a great book and also segment on Saturday Night Live. Essentially it was just a collection of material like this:
Well, I am not talking about those deep thoughts. I am talking about the deep thoughts that I generally have.
I am a “deep” person. I say some profound shit sometimes (I think we all do, it’s just I might make a bigger deal out of the thought I have then you do.).
I find myself thinking less profound thoughts lately.
I find it harder for me to concentrate on things right now.
I find it difficult to answer questions like “how do I feel.”
I find it almost impossible to juggle and separate the thoughts I have about the charity that is being done for me and offered to me.
I find I can’t make decisions as easily.
I find my mind wandering more…and not in the good “deep thought” wandering but in the “what were you just saying” or “what was I just saying” way.
I find it harder to concentrate now.
The correct words are cucumber for me to find.
That was a joke…I mean…the sentence is correct, but cucumber is obviously not the right word to use. But, that does give you an idea of what I mean by finding the correct words.
I brought all of those things up to my oncology team for my last treatment as the effects of “chemo” brain have started to become very profound for me.
They said that what I am going through is normal and that perhaps the reason why I am having such a hard time with the process right now is because I was operating at such a high level of health before and now I am operating at a much reduced level.
Essentially – the higher you are, the more distance you have to fall.
And boy I have fallen.
I haven’t worked out or even gone for a walk in almost 8 weeks. The sun and heat make me nauseous.
I still eat pretty healthy, but my digestion is totally whacked out. I get bloated easily after relatively un-bloat worthy meals.
The digestion thing is pretty annoying because if I am hungry it makes me feel sick and I don’t want to eat, but I am feeling sick because I am hungry.
Writing is hard. For me writing has never been hard. I just sit down and…think…and type.
Now though the thinking part is not as easy as it used to be.
It’s almost comical, I had so many people come up to me and tell me that I look great (although I guess you could argue that of course no one will come up to me and tell me how awful I look) and that they are surprised I am 4.5 months into chemo because of how I look.
I mean other than the hair loss and lump on my upper chest for my port you would never know what I going through. But, on the inside I am a mess.
And my current mental ability makes it almost impossible for me to explain, and for me that is the most frustrating thing about my current journey – my inability to explain to a sufficient level what’s going on right now because when I teach I learn.
So...I'll leave you with this.